The burden of infertility

I have always been over weight and I have learned to accept it. There used to be a time I tried hard to lose weight, but over the past 15 years I realized, I lose weight when I am content and happy. I gain when I am unhappy.

I don’t have to do anything different, the weight just comes off at least some of it does. It makes me think that when I am unhappy with myself I make a lot of unfortunate choices.

Over the past 6 years, the burden of infertility left me unhappy. I didn’t worry about the weight I was gaining until it started affecting my health. My asthma was returning and I was having trouble breathing, I started thyroid pills, got diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I started having horrible swelling in my ankles even when I was not pregnant, irregular cycles, no ovulation, my knees ached so I couldn’t bend and the list continued.

I tried to get fit, because fitness mattered, more then weight. I struggled though, with the knees and ankles also the miscarriages and clomid got in the way. I was always tired, I went from a desk job to the couch to my bed and still felt exhausted.

During pregnancy I only gained 23 pounds and yet I struggled. My back hurt, my joints hurt. The doctor said I was also probably arthritic .. Great… I was about to be a new mom that couldn’t keep up with her baby at all. Way to feel my age.

Then A was born, the apprehension led to sleep deprivation, which finally gave way to happiness. Once the fog of post partum coping lifted, I realized something within me had changed.

The scars of infertility wouldn’t ever disappear but maybe the burden had lifted.

For me, the burden has also lifted in the form of me losing 48 pounds. I didn’t try, I didn’t do anything different and I can’t say I make healthy choices even now. This number is significant because this was the weight I had gained (including pg) in the last 6 years. I wish I could say it was gradual, but it wasn’t. I gained and stayed in the same 20-25+ lb range for the last 5 years.

I still drink a soda/day with real sugar, eat chocolate (albeit the dairy free with dates for sugar kind) and have been living on rice.

The only explanation I have for myself is that I am content. I don’t reach for food to hide behind, I don’t eat my feelings anymore. Since I don’t want baby to watch TV, I am not sitting and watching TV all day.

My knees don’t ache, the swelling in my joints and ankles is gone.  I can bend, I can lift and carry my baby. The ability of being able to keep up with her, sit on the floor and play with her, matters above all to me.

I feel like I have forgiven myself, forgiven my body for letting me down. Just maybe, I must have stopped feeling guilty and punishing myself. Everyone around me marvels at my weight loss but only I really understand, it isn’t weight I lost, just the burden of infertility.

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