It is amazing how often I get asked this question in real life. From my extremely environment friendly cousin to a germaphobic acquaintance who cannot fathom handling poopy cloth diapers, everyone wants to know why I wanted to cloth diaper.
Now rest assured I have nothing against disposable diapers, I use them at night and I often use them on days when I just have not been able to keep up with laundry. I even use them when we are going out. In short often, my disposable diaper use is starting to creep up as my baby is starting to get more demanding.
Why did I choose to cloth diaper?
I wish I could say I felt passionately about the cause, I wish I could say to save money (which I did, despite P arguing that we are spending about the same in water and electricity – NO we are not).
I love the environment and dont want to see diapers filling landfills for decades, but I am also realistic enough to know that it wasnt worth those exhausted days when I realized I had to do laundry still.
My snarky response is often, I chose to cloth diaper because too many people told me I couldn’t (in real life of course, my tweeps are amazing). This was a big part of what spurred me on to try. I hate being told I cannot do something, that I will fail before I have even attempted it.
However was this my real reason?
I have been asking myself over and over again, why did I choose to cloth diaper? I was concerned that A would inherit my super sensitive and touchy skin (and looks like she has a bit). I was hoping cloth would be gentler for her than a disposable diaper but I couldnt have known these things for sure. Then why did I try so hard to cloth diaper?
I am not sure I have the answer, but I suspect part of it was the need to control something outside of infertility. There it is again, P would tell me I am back to inferility in my own head. However, the last 6 years have been all about infertility. I have measured my life for last 6 years in terms of miscarriages, drs appointments, decisions, surgeries and hospital visits all related to infertility.
Someone who has not been marred with the shadow of infertility and RPL can never understand how much it truly takes from you. I wanted to take back, I couldnt control my body and its failures no matter what I did. I wanted to take back certain control on how I would care for my baby.
It hasnt been easy, with the mil(k) wars and the colitis diagnosis. It could be worse, but it hasnt been easy. The cloth diapers are perhaps the one thing I was determined to do that I have managed to do.
Maybe they also help alleviate my guilt in some warped fashion. I cant help but blame myself for her colitis and for anything else that having to take pills during pregnancy might have caused. I remind myself that she lives because of those same pills and I did what I had to, but still.
In short, I dont really have an answer for all those people that ask why I cloth diaper. I will continue to make stuff up because I hate to tell them even I am not sure why I cloth diaper. I just do