I havent written/blogged in a long time. It has been really difficult for some reason to write coherent blogs lately. Initially it was because infertility is such an emotional subject, I couldnt really write without tears and being overwhelmed. Parenting came with sleep deprivation and self doubts, airing those doubts, those mistakes while brave was also very difficult for me.
I am trying again, I am dusting off cobwebs and trying to blog coherent thoughts again. I understand that to tell a story that makes sense, I first need to start small and have thoughts that make sense again.
People often ask or did anyway about my weird username on twitter, its misstomrstomom. When I first created my twitter account in 2012 or 2013, I was trying desperately to find a place that was mine. I was trying to find myself again. I was lost after 2 miscarriages, I was confused and shattered.
I have always struggled with self confidence, self esteem and self care all my life. There are years where I am really good at it or faking it, and there are years where well I am not. Between marriage (my in laws are very different than my own family, very formal, very rigid and that was an adjustment in itself) and compromises (the one thing I hold against my grandma who I loved dearly was her abhorrent advice to keep giving up things as compromise in a marriage and someday it will all work out) then infertility and miscarriages, I was bruised, battered and barely recognized myself in the mirror.
That is what my screen name represented to me at the time (slightly cheesy I know) – the attempt to find myself through the life changes of getting married and trying to be a mom.
It is really long though and I tried so hard over the last few weeks to think of a way to shorten it but I cant.
Maybe as I dust off the cobwebs in my head, maybe as I learn to think again through the chaos, the noise and (now the whine of my toddler who I love so dearly and am so grateful for) I can write shorter sentences again. Maybe with practice, I can stop thinking in runon fragments and learn to “focus” again.
It is going to be slightly painful(for my readers probably) and I will write here more for myself then anyone else, but here I am trying to dust off the cobwebs. Wish me luck!!